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Listen Without Judgment Widow Repair

~Wirtten on July 23, 2006~

I have a great job as a carriage driver now. True, it is really hot outside, but I was sitting on the bench while the horses were taking their break, and I thought how much I love to be outside regardless of hot weather. Tomorrow I need to get my taxi license, and then I can drive the horse while the other tour guide talks. I have to study a history book of Beaufort, take a certification test and learn the tour before I can do it myself.

My boss is a twenty year old guy named M. We have similar opinions and interests like horses, racing vehicles, country music, pool and politics. He seems moody, like he’s fun to talk to for a while, but he’s very abrupt when he leaves. It’s strange, but I like it that way. I can be friendly and have good conversations, and at the same time, he doesn’t act as if he likes me, so I’m not feeling uneasy.

I told another coworker that my husband died, only because he asked me if my husband is a marine. I think I should keep it to myself now. But every time we are sitting around talking, I want to tell about something Jason did, or something he used to do, or something he said. But I can’t say, “My husband…” because I don’t have a husband. I am a widow. So I just don’t mention him.

I could say, for example, that I went to see my in-laws this weekend so they could visit with my baby Caleb. I might as well, because I did. It sounds like I’m married if I say that, but why should I explain? I just wish Jason was still here. Then I could talk about him freely. I was so proud to talk about him. We had a great life. But people who did not know him will not understand.

I challenge you- let them talk. Your friend who lost her baby or even a stranger who is widowed after a 50 year marriage- just listen.

To sympathize, you don’t need to fix the problem, you just need to listen without judgment.

Who is the last person who poured their heart out to you?

Watch Over Me After Death Widow Repair

~Written in July 2006~

One thing that rends my heart when I picture it is remembering the day that I drove up in the driveway and saw them wheeling a body bag out of the house. My mind flashed with the realization that something terrible happened to Jason, but there was no hope, because if there was, an ambulance would be parked out there, not a van. And it wasn’t a stretcher- it was a body bag. A few minutes later, Loco drove up in his blue car, only to be told that his friend is dead. And I had to call my parents and say, “Jason died.”

I’m not crying now, at this moment, but most of the time, those images are hauntingly upsetting. The life of my husband was closed in that body bag and driven away. He went in the house alone, confused, and alive- and his body left dead. I have to remind myself: his spirit is in heaven- his personality and his sweet heart is in heaven waiting on us.

I was at a church meeting for young adults, and they started to play the Black Crows song that Jason loved to sing. It was so random. They were playing Christian music, then they suddenly started that song. I can picture Jason turning to me while he was driving the truck and singing, “She talks to angels…” His smile, his bright brown eyes… Just remember that he is singing in heaven, so it’s not over forever.

Sheldon Vanauken, author of A Severe Mercy, dreamed that his wife came to him in person. He was excited, but he knew that she could not stay long. That is so similar to my dreams about Jason. Sheldon dreamed about her only once per month. I was dreaming about Jason every other day, but now my dreams have stopped like a well that has dried up. Sheldon’s wife told him that she was still watching him.

So many people say that their loved are watching over them after death, but I never believed it. It doesn’t say anything like that in the Bible. Do you think that’s true, or do people just say that for comfort?