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My Son Was Born Widow Repair

The following was written a few days after our son was born, a few days after Christmas in 2005. I did not want to forget a single detail. Now of course I’m so glad that I wrote it so I can pass it on to Caleb. Today is Caleb’s ninth birthday, and I am thankful that even though I don’t have a video, I can still share his dad’s reactions through writing:

Widows Letter to Son Widow Repair


Nothing Ever Goes as Planned

Jason didn’t have to work on Monday the 26th because Sunday was Christmas. We went to Old Navy that night so he could get some new clothes with the gift card that my parents gave him. We expected to go to the hospital on Friday, so we thought this was the last chance to go shopping for a while.

I felt okay that evening, but I knew that a stomach virus was going around. On Monday night I got ill. I was so thirsty, but I couldn’t even keep water down.

Jason insisted by early Tuesday morning that we go to Beaufort Memorial Hospital. I was admitted to the emergency room and hooked up to an IV in my right hand because I was dehydrated. Jason slept in the chair next to my uncomfortable bed for a couple hours.

The doctors decided to send me to the Medical University of Charleston because I was so near my due date anyway. When I woke up in the ambulance, I saw Jason in the truck right behind us. He said they told him he couldn’t ride in the ambulance and to meet us in Charleston. So he got the truck and waited until he saw the ambulance go by so he could follow us.

How to Deal with a High Risk Pregnancy

In the labor and delivery room, they hooked up another IV on my left inner elbow for an insulin drip, and they took blood from my left hand. Two monitors were attached around my belly to get the contractions. Last of all, they kept the blood pressure monitor on my arm.

That was the hardest part of the whole experience, being attached to so much equipment. Having Type 1 Diabetes makes me a high risk pregnancy, and they wanted to take every precaution.

I was there all day, and they were telling me that they would probably induce labor the next day. It was hard to breathe, and I could feel Caleb pushing against my diaphragm. I didn’t know if I was ready for labor.

Mom and Dad went to my house to get our bills and get my dog Bruce and my bird Peanut. They probably got home to Beaufort by eleven that night. I hadn’t prepared for anything because I thought I would go home from Beaufort Memorial.

Jason stayed in the room beside me Tuesday night in the recliner. They were checking my blood sugar every hour. Finally they gave me an ambien pill so I could sleep a little.

The Day Our Son Was Born

Wednesday morning they asked me if I was ready, and I thought, “No!” I was having contractions, but I didn’t feel them yet. The nurse was sure I would have Caleb by six or before. They were giving me drugs to start inducing me.

The nurse asked Jason if he had ADD, because he was so hyper. We all laughed, because he had just gotten his medication. She said maybe the baby would be in between personalities because he was hyper and I was calm.

Soon I got the epidural, and I got more doses later. I could breathe through the contractions pretty well, and I really felt no pain having Caleb, just discomfort and frustration at the long wait.

We started at four-thirty, and soon the first doctor left and said she would come back later. That told me it would be awhile. I thought if I could hang on, they would see that I couldn’t do it, and give me a C-Section.

Jason got anxious and told me to push harder. Mom was by my head. They said I was doing really well, but I didn’t feel like I was. The team of doctors came in and advised that a C-Section would be risky for me.

I thought if I could do a set of pushes three more times, surely they would help. Poor Jason was beside himself.

Finally, at 7:05 PM, Caleb was Born

Calebs Baby Footprints Widow Repair


They cut the cord and handed him to me. It was wonderful to hold our sweet little son in my arms for the first time and hear his loud cries, assuring me that he was healthy and strong.

I hardly remember moving from that room to the next, and Caleb went to the nursery. I saw him through the window on my way. The doctors gave me good news after all of the health checks that they do for newborns. I was so relieved that everything went well.

Jason and I waited in the room after everyone went home. They took out all but one IV, that one only in case they needed it. Jason changed all the diapers and jumped up when Caleb cried at night, so I got a little rest.

I needed help at first because my body had to get used to using a lot less insulin. I took what I thought was a normal amount of insulin after eating lunch, and spent the next few hours drinking juice to bring my blood sugar back up. The nurses laughed and told me to let them handle the meds for awhile.

We stayed for a couple days taking care of Caleb in the room, but we wanted to go home the day after he was born. I think we went home on Friday- all the days seemed the same in the hospital. My mom stayed over, helping with bottles and washing baby clothes.

It’s so good to be home, but no, Caleb does not let us sleep! LOL


Heaven is the place you told me you would not go Widow Repair

I Just Could Not Go Through That Again

January 6, 2007

I dreamed that I was at the Santee House. Jason was there, wearing his red striped shirt.

Well, Jason was back, and he was not married to me, so he was single. He was free to date anyone, and I was in love, but too afraid to tell him.

He asked me if I wanted to go outside with him and watch the kids jump on the trampoline, and I said that I couldn’t because I was holding Caleb.

He was about to go, but I put out my hand and stopped him. I told him that I really love him, and we should be together now that we have the chance. He smiled and asked if I really meant that.

I told him yes, and we hugged and kissed so warmly and so affectionately. Then we decided that we would get married again, and I started to worry.

He was standing beside me and holding my hand, and I started to say that he could not kill himself again, because I just could not go through that again.

I realized that I could never be certain that he would be there from one day to the next, but I would marry him anyway, because I wanted to be with him so badly. Maybe this time would be different.

You Slipped Past a Barrier I Cannot Breach

March 3, 2007

My heart is so cold when it comes to love. I hear a beautiful song about marriage, and I long to “be consumed” with another person, but I shudder to think of anyone putting so much faith and trust in anyone else.

They can be gone in an instant, and comparing them in life and death gives you the feeling that they are betraying you. Jason and I joked about death and talked about it once in a while, and I remember him clearly telling me that he wasn’t going anywhere.

I want to snatch him by the shoulders and say,

See, you are gone from me. I can’t touch you. I can’t tell you about work today. You were here today, and you are gone now. I can’t even tell you how disappointed I am after I gave you my devoted love, and now there is no one to understand.

Your body is under the ground. It’s marked by a plaque. I used to drive past this God-forsaken cemetery and go to the house down the road and collapse in your arms. But now I drive past the empty shell of your body.

Remember when we talked about your grandmother dying? Now it’s like you betrayed me, and you slipped past a barrier I cannot breach. I want to get out of this life and follow you to heaven.

Heaven is where I can tell you everything. Heaven is the place that you told me you would not go, at least not yet.

I Would Inevitably Lose Him Again

March 5, 2007

It has been almost a year since Jason left.

My last dream had no picture substance that I can remember, but it had all the feelings, the same theme as all the previous ones.

I had Jason, and I thought, Is this real? Is he really here this time, or is this another dream? And I quickly brushed the questions away.

It was real, and I dismissed all the pain of this past year without even one worry, without any desperate feeling that I needed to hold him before I would inevitably lose him again.

You could translate the dream in countless ways, but I think that the best interpretation is to hope that Heaven will be like that when I can be with him again.