Today would be our ten year wedding anniversary. You didn’t see this part, but right before the ceremony, I locked my wedding gown in the dressing room by mistake. I refuse to believe that it was a bad sign.
One or two of your family members were trying to convince you not to get married, but that’s okay because my parents were telling me the same thing. Marriage being a lifelong commitment, you have to be sure.
I had no doubt that I loved you since the moment I met you.
Today was Caleb’s last day of third grade, and I went to the awards ceremony. In the past, I’ve suffered pangs of loneliness at events like this.
Caleb should have both parents cheering him on to fourth grade. Both parents in his end-of-the-year photo. Both parents telling him that we are so proud of his hard work and excellent grades.
Today, we should be packing for a week long, 10 year wedding anniversary getaway to…I don’t know…California wine country? I like to imagine that we became super-successful in our business/career ventures.
Instead, I became independent—against my will. I make all the decisions for myself and for Caleb.
When I became a widow, I only saw loneliness in my future, but now I feel security. Because I know I can handle everything myself.
Today, I sat on the school bleachers with our nephew, and we laughed about how he could hack into the school WiFi.
I was delighted by a student who read his poem, all the while making hand motions and speaking with the confidence of a CEO. I smiled to myself as I imagined the bright futures in store for the children at this special event.
I didn’t feel loss or sadness, not for a second.
After you died, it seemed like everywhere I turned, I was confronted with the phrase:
Live, Laugh, Love.
It was displayed on Myspace, on my friend’s living room wall, on photo frames…It annoyed the hell out of me!
Those words were such a cliche, such a mockery of my life without you.
Today, I felt the purest form of healing after loss. I watched an entire ceremony without cringing in pain, without worrying constantly that Caleb is missing someone who he needs.
Today, I realized that my emotions have been released from the darkness of grief. Now, I think of you with peace: I remember the life, the laughter, the love.