I’ll See You in Heaven
In December of 2006, I had been exposed to so many conflicting beliefs and theories about salvation, the afterlife and heaven. I had grown impatient with those that told me “he’s with you,” or “he’s watching over Caleb.” What kind of heaven would Jason get if he had to stick around and watch us suffer?
My dad loved to give me books, especially those that are backed up with biblical truth, so he bought me Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It was good to picture Jason in the heaven described in the Bible, and I let my imagination take over from there- all the way to the “new earth.”
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away…
Dec. 4, 2006 I am bored with this life. Think of the common temporary highs that we choose- the rich travel to see the Colosseum, ancient ruins, and other people seek thrills in skydiving, etc.
I have no more desire for any of these things. I wish for the “new earth” that’s mentioned in Revelation, and I can picture walking hand in hand with Jason.
He [God] will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
I cannot wait to hug him close again. What a fantastic relief that would give me. The thought that I will be with him again seems so unreal, though I honestly believe it. So I pray that God will put the joy back in my life.
In the meantime, how do I create a new life around simple objects like our wedding china and our silverware? Jason used to eat from that silverware. My love for Jason is so strong that it is hurting my heart.
I am tasting heaven- not really- but I understand what it will feel like, and I will bask in the relief- the safety- no more death. I’ll be able to hold Jason and be sure that nothing will be able to separate us again.
Writing My Way to Peace
Dec. 6, 2006 To feel some peace, I try to imagine that Jason is in the military overseas or that he’s on a trip…
Jason went to visit his grandmother. He hasn’t seen her since April of 2005, so he wanted to see her. He is telling her about Caleb and how he stayed with me in the hospital and helped me when I was having him.
She is shaking her head and admonishing him because we got pregnant before we got married. For some reason, it is all okay now. Talking about that, Jason ducks and holds his hands to his mouth in that adorable “I’m ashamed of myself” gesture.
Then his eyes light up, and he tells her about our wedding. He can barely contain his excitement. Her husband, his granddaddy, married us! His granddaddy is missing her so much, but he wasn’t able to come. He had to stay behind to take care of the church.
Jason is above the stars of space, above the heavens, just beyond the distance that our satellites can reach. It is a physical place. It is like Jason is in Paris, just across the ocean.
Right now I can’t join him, because Caleb needs to grow bigger. And when he starts school, it would not be a good time to travel. Life gets so busy you know. It’s even hard to get time off from work.
Jason got some time off, so there was no reason why he shouldn’t get a vacation. As soon as all these demands slow down, I’ll get my ticket too. After all, it’s not far. It’s only a heartbeat away.
When I join him there, it will be like the night he asked me for the first date.
I hadn’t seen him in two years, and he saw me come in. He rushed over to hug me. After a few games of pool he asked, “Will you ever consider dating me?” I told him, “I don’t know. You live so much faster than I do.” He said, “I’ll slow it down for you.”
This time I meet him in a dream. I rush over to hug him, and I say, “Will we stay together this time?” And he answers, “I don’t know. Are you ready? You are living such a busy life now.” And I’ll be ready to leave. I’ll wake up and see God, and soon He will point me to Jason. And finally we are in sync, and we are both able to slow down.