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December 22, 2006 | The night before last I dreamed that I was at my in-laws’ during the Christmas get-together, and many people were there- relatives and even acquaintances of Jason’s. I went into the bathroom, and someone came in. The person gruffly says “excuse me,” and starts grooming in the mirror. I follow the person around, trying to express that I’m so sorry Jason is gone, but it wasn’t my fault. The person looks at me like he/she is irritated- with jaw set, and doesn’t say anything.

This was the same person who blamed me and questioned me from the beginning. The person’s attitude hasn’t changed at all toward me throughout the year, and I choose to avoid them rather than confront the misplaced hatred.

Last night I dreamed that Jason was back, and when I found out, I went to a party to find him. He was with his ex-girlfriend again, and I was feeling the desperation that I had to talk to him, had to get him away from her so we could be together again like we were before he died.

It was so amazing to see him there. I wanted to hug him close and tell him how much I missed him. He didn’t remember the part of his life with me and Caleb I guess, because it was just like it was in 2002 when I had just met him one night, and I was nothing important to him.

In my dream, I rode in a car with them, and I guess the ex-girlfriend was dropped off, so I was clinging to Jason crying to him about our life. He had to remember me, and he had to realize that he was the father of our beautiful son, and that girl was in his past, she had no right to him anymore. I know he loves me, so I knew he would come around. But there was such a feeling of desperation and hope because he was back. Like he woke up from a coma. That dream seemed to last for a while.

In the next dream, Jason and I were somewhere around horses. We stabled one, and then watched as the barn collapsed and rolled down a hill. It was cold, and we were down in the debris. Jason constructed a little shelter, and I put some towels around it to block the wind and a sweater inside to pad the bottom for a little dog or cat. Jason was like a hero of some sort, and he had to go down into a submarine or something to rescue some people. I knew he had to go, and he was strapped into a seat. So all I wanted to do was cry and hold him for as long as I could and tell him how much I need him and how much I love him. I didn’t know if I would see him again. Even our niece was there, and I was trying to get them to hold hands, if only for just a moment.

This comes from how badly I want to hold him now, and how badly I want to tell him everything. And how I wish I could have gotten that chance in real life and stopped him from leaving.

These dreams feel so frustrating. When I meet him in heaven I can do all these things- hold him and tell him everything I try to tell him in my dreams. I  can’t wait. I want to be face to face and hand in hand right now.

Last night I drove by his old friend  “Juice” in Port Royal. He motioned for  me to race. He seemed happy. I don’t know if he knows that Jason and I got married, or that we have a son, or that Jason is gone. I wished he would have stopped because he is someone I could have talked to about Jason, and I would love to show him Jason’s little boy.

It’s not easy to find Juice. The last time we saw him was a night out at Coconuts, and before that, he used to show up at Piggly Wiggly when I was working. That’s where Jason found me twice and gave his phone number and told me to call him. I was excited, but I didn’t call him, because I didn’t realize that he was serious.

Why did he keep finding me?

Everywhere I was, he found me. Sometimes the pain is so intense that I wish he left me alone.

But the time before those, when I saw his friend Juice, he told me Jason had changed- he had gotten saved, and I was so happy I cried, even though I hadn’t seen him for a while. But remembering that helps, because it reminds me that Jason is in heaven now. He’s in heaven. I’ll be able to hold him again and talk to him all the time, and he won’t fade away.

I won’t lose him again like I do when I wake up.

Crying over Jason getting saved? I never cried back then, and I had no inclination that I would ever be linked to Jason. For some reason I loved him. For some reason his getting saved meant enough to me that I cried.

I cry all the time now. I cry on the way to Savannah and Hilton Head. I cry before I fall asleep. I can’t imagine loving anyone like him. I can’t figure out why he is gone. I need to talk to him again. It will be such a long time. All I can do now is dream about you.

What is Life Without the Main Character Widow Repair

What is The Walking Dead without Rick? What is Hart of Dixie without Zoey Hart? What is Breaking Bad without Walter White? What happens to me without my husband? What happens to our son?


~Written on October 19, 2006~

I wrote up something about Jason today that has been on my mind. The main character in a blockbuster movie is always a famous actor. And most people watch the movie when it comes out just because they love the actor, and they assume that any movie he is associated with will be worth watching. Who cares who directed it. As far as we know, the famous actor makes the blockbusters. So this is a total metaphor for Jason and his life. He was the main character. He made this movie, our life, worth watching, worth living. The dynamics were all hinging on Jason, on his actions, on his moods. If the main character dies at the beginning of the movie, the movie flops. No one wants to watch it if the main character can’t make another appearance. Jason can’t make another appearance in this life, but he can make another appearance on earth. He is in heaven. Later we will all be on earth again. But this life has lost its main character. Without Jason, there is no husband, father, son, brother, friend, nephew or cousin. You could say that he was a part of the final destination- he escaped death twice as a child and numerous times as a young adult doing foolish things. You could think that all of his strength was spent fighting for life, and the risky behavior added up and the culmination of these overwhelming factors ended in one day of destruction. But we will walk the earth again together. God has promised us. God is the genius director of this movie of life. All things work together for good.

What is left for us, the lesser, lower-paid, unknown actors that are struggling for our careers in this life? We are alone, without the main character, without my husband and the daddy that was going to raise Caleb with me. My pastor said, “Live by faith, not by circumstance.” With all the analyzing I do, it all comes down to trusting God. I cannot be hopeless. I know that good will triumph over evil. What a great Lord we have to serve. And I need to focus on serving Him.

Jason has been gone almost seven months. And it is just as fresh. If he came home tonight, I could jump back into being his wife so fast. I would have no trouble changing my way of life, because this is not my ideal lifestyle. I don’t need to describe how wonderful it was to know Jason is here, and that we would be together every night. Knowing he was here, and knowing I was loved was the security and comfort that I need now. My circumstances now are rootless. I live between two different towns trying to make things work for Caleb, and my random existence is monotonous and unnatural. It would be the opposite of shock if I could jump straight back into my life with Jason again. If he could walk up to me and say that he is sorry for leaving so long, I could tell him that I already forgave him. I always knew that it wasn’t his fault anyway. I would throw all of my energy into making his life easier and full of devotion and love. I would cook for him, follow him, compromise anything for him, and find any creative means that I could to show him my affection. I know what it’s like to be both provider and mother to my son now.

He left for work Monday the 20th of March. It was yesterday. As far as I’m concerned he’s so fresh in my mind. When I think of him this way, and try to forget what happens next, I smile because the memory seems so close. And I’ll find him at the gates. And that sounds so unrealistic and surreal, but it will happen. It’s like saying I want to fall asleep and find myself in a dream, but it will happen. How do people ever cope with death when they don’t believe?