The First Kiss & Meeting the Family
April 1, 2004 | Jason dropped me off at home, and we both got out of the car for a hug. We were standing in the driveway under the beam of my family’s security light. When we let go, he leaned down and kissed me! Just one kiss, sweet and beautiful. His brown eyes sparkled as he smiled and said goodnight. In one fluid movement, he bit his lip, straightened up and turned on his heel like he had to get away quickly.
As soon as I got in the house, my phone lit up with a call. Jason said he missed me already.
On Sunday, I followed his handwritten directions to Ridgeland. We met at the gas station in town, and I followed him to the brown house. Flowers were blooming everywhere, and the weather was perfect, so they had the doors and windows open. Jason showed me around and scolded their cat Tabby who was making herself comfortable on the stairs.
At a little church in Hardeeville I met Jason’s dad who told me that I have a beautiful smile. His grandfather was so welcoming and enthusiastic about the service. I imagined Jason being just like him one day.
Depression & Hoping to Write a Happy Ending
September 6, 2006 | When I started writing in this journal, the content was so much different from what I’m writing now. This journal features just a few select windows- or peeks- into episodes of my life. I quit using it off and on- some of my writing is on Xanga online. I started that right after Jason and I started dating. After Jason died, I poured my heart into my laptop, but I don’t have my laptop now, so here is a rare, hand-written entry in a journal that has been neglected.
So now, it moves shockingly through my adult life like the staccato notes on a piano. The music does not lull, but jumps with a blunt thump from uncertain dating, to finding my love Jason, to a severely broken heart that is trying to sort through life. What will be written at the end of this journal- if I ever get that far?
So last night I went out to drink with my friend who just turned 21. I saw a guy come out of the bathroom wearing the blue shirt that Jason used to wear, or it looked like it anyway. I want to cry to someone, try to make them understand that it hurts, but if I act all depressing, no one will want to be around me.
I think that only Jason cared about me, but that’s not true. My parents do, and Caleb needs me. Jason left so much to hold me to life. But few people would try to bring me back if I completely faded away into depression. I want to be around friends, and I’m pushing the sorrow down, smiling, and trying to be social in a cruel world.
If I think of Santee, I see him there. I picture him driving me there and opening the door. Sometimes I feel like he can’t be gone, because I guess his presence is so fresh in my mind.
When I drive to Beaufort in the morning I cry, but I smile when I get to work. You have to repress the pain. It drives people away, and I cannot speak the words that describe it.
I was reaching for something in the office closet at my parents’ house, and seemingly out of nowhere, a pocket knife dropped on the floor in front of my feet.
The idea of suicide crossed my mind, but no matter how harsh life is, I always have the feeling that things will get better, and I want to know what happens next.
I’ve imagined rolling my truck, but the other Explorer was flipped right after Jason died, and it held up, so chances are, mine would too. Trust Jason to abandon me in this world but leave me with a safe vehicle.
Most of all, he left me with Caleb, the one true anchor holding me to the earth. I figure if I wrote a suicide note, all it could say is “I miss Jason,” and maybe that I love him more than life itself. But if I started to write that note, I would need to write something for Caleb. It would say that I love him- and that is enough reason to stay.
I wonder if Jason believed that I love him. I imagine us talking- whole scenarios where I am trying to tell him how deeply I love him.
I started this journal describing new love, but now that he’s gone it’s depression. Maybe, before I run out of pages, I’ll be able to write a happy ending.